


banana flavoured hard candy

by ToxicPineapple



Category: New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Angst, Bittersweet, Depression, Gen, References to Depression, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-25
Updated: 2019-09-25
Packaged: 2020-10-27 23:29:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 955
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20768726
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ToxicPineapple/pseuds/ToxicPineapple
Summary: "if it's any consolation, me too." she closes her eyes and feels an imaginary breeze on her face. if she could freeze this moment forever and just become a part of the universe, she would, without hesitation. just blend into the world around her and exist beyond petty human emotion. that would teach her ego a lesson. besides, what reason does an assassin have to keep living?---shuichi and maki talk about suicide.





	banana flavoured hard candy

**Author's Note:**

> don't kill yourself sorry for another vent life be like that sometimes
> 
> tw for suicidal ideation and all the rough things

"i want to give up."

the remark is casual, and quiet, and the way shuichi says it he might as well be talking about the weather.

maki relates, but she still finds herself frowning as she draws her knees in to her chest, arms draping loosely over her calves.

"how come." though it's a question her voice lacks the lilt that would make it such; it comes out more like a statement than anything. shuichi glances at her but looks back to the sky after a moment. his expression is overcast and his grey eyes are icy condensation. but he doesn't look angry.

"i just do, i guess." maki watches him rip a handful of grass from the ground beneath them and throw it at nothing.

green individual wet blades of grass float down to the ground like feathers and shuichi looks at his hand before he closes it into a fist, digging fingernails into his palm and rolling around little pieces of mud.

"nothing feels real right now and i'm really tired. i'd rather just go to sleep and not have to deal with it."

maki doesn't quite know what to say. they've established that this is alright, that shuichi can talk about these feelings without it being weird or triggering and that she can do the same but she's still far from a licensed therapist. she's not sure why he even confides in her.

"i guess it doesn't matter since i'm not planning anything," he continues idly, and then maki breaks her silence.

"suicidal ideation."

shuichi gazes at her, blue eyeslashes black in the dim artificial lights around the academy, and then slowly pulls his eyes away again, lips turning into a lowercase m that creases his expression. "yeah." he agrees reluctantly. "it's not a huge deal though. i just kind of want to."

maki relaxes her legs, her fingers, arches her back and tilts her head up to look at the sky. she watches an airplane blinking red as it moves across her frame of sight. she's never been on an airplane before, she notes, scarlet hues tracking the plane's progress through the clouds. she thinks it might be scary.

"it's like background noise." shuichi continues. "i can ignore it most times but it's always there, a dull hum reminding me that everything is worthless and i should just stop trying." he rubs his left wrist with his right thumb; a habit maki recognises and ignores even though she knows it's not very healthy.

"i would count it as killing yourself if you stopped getting out of bed." she says, but arbitrarily, because he knows that this is how things are.

"i still want to though." shuichi mumbles. "i want to let everything crash and burn. i want to stop caring."

and maki nods because she supposes she can agree. there's nothing she can really say, either, that wouldn't be placating or empty or meaningless. she knows shuichi is waiting on her response, wanting her to say something inspiring and helpful that'll make him decide to keep living, but she doesn't have anything like that inside of her. she's not kaito, or kaede- both of them are undoubtedly asleep right now.

she's not even himiko or kokichi, well versed in depression enough to know what to say to things like this.

besides, maki isn't going to lie. she doesn't really have much of a reason to live. so there's no way she can give one to shuichi.

"why don't you?" she asks, and it's out of genuine curiosity rather than any weird psychological tactics kaede or kaito might use.

shuichi shrugs. "it'd make people sad if i gave up."

"is that really a good reason to persist though?" maki contemplates throwing something but there's nothing to throw. she settles for balling her hand into a fist and smacking the earth beneath her, imagining her knuckles sliding through the earth like it's butter and reaching the core. where would she go from there, though?

"no." shuichi replies, and it's a very simple, obvious answer, but it feels more complicated than that anyway. "i don't need a good reason, just a reason." he sighs. "doesn't mean i don't want to give up, though."

maki wonders if she's really the best person to vent to about things like this. she doesn't know how to handle it at all, and shuichi needs real help, not just someone's shoulder to lean on.

but it would be wrong to say that he's imposing in any way.

"if it's any consolation, me too." she closes her eyes and feels an imaginary breeze on her face. if she could freeze this moment forever and just become a part of the universe, she would, without hesitation. just blend into the world around her and exist beyond petty human emotion. that would teach her ego a lesson. besides, what reason does an assassin have to keep living?

"i'm going to have to say no to any potential suicide pacts." shuichi's tone is dry because they both know they'd never let it happen. maki could never agree to something that would get him hurt, and he's hopefully the same.

it's not because she's selfless or anything like that, she just doesn't want anyone else to die or give up. that's something she alone is okay with for herself.

she smiles anyway.

"damn."

joking right now feels artificial; banana flavoured hard candy. a taste that used to exist organically but doesn't anymore. maki struggles to remember the last time she laughed and meant it.

"we should head in," she remarks, because it's past midnight and one of them ought to say it.

"yeah." shuichi agrees.

and strangely (not so strangely) neither of them do.

**Author's Note:**

> this is really not the kind of thing I'd usually post (in that it doesn't have a hopeful ending) but I hope,, it can be enjoyed,,, nonetheless??
> 
> sorry I'm just tired logang dbdjdb


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